Conversations Never To Have

In the span of a mere 18 months I lost both parents. I had close to 57 wonderful years with them. My brother had more time and my sister had less. I'm the middle child.

They did their job beautifully, raising three children, teaching them, helping them and loving them. I know it was not always easy, but they succeeded. Now gone from this world, they have eternity to themselves. Oh, they will be watching over us, looking down and checking up on us, seeing what we all are up to.

With mom’s passing, a personal era has closed. As an adult, I am blessed with having plenty of people that are both loving and supportive of me. Yet as their child, I am alone now. The time of having a living mother or father has ended. A string has been cut. A phone number is now deleted. Conversations never to have. Stories unable to be heard again.

The irony of course is, the very people you most want to talk about these events, to discuss feelings, to have help map out a new future are the very ones you no longer have. These two people, the center of your life, who were always there are now gone. They were the ones who knew you the longest, longer then can be remembered. Ones that changed your diapers. Wiped tears away and grounded you. Ones that you fought with and loved the most. Ones that will be missed the hardest.

The knowledge that one day our parents will pass away becomes contained deep within our souls. It develops into a shell containing the concentrated and highly charged emotions of pain, grief and sorrow. Becoming so well contained in fact, it only occupies a very small space within our consciousness. Forgotten most days. Upon their death, reality arrives, stripping this knowledge shell away allowing these emotions to explode with the force of a nuclear bomb. Spewing not deadly radiation but our own pain, grief and sorrow into every nook and cranny of our conscious and unconscious. Over time these emotions may lessen as radiation does, but truly, they never will be fully contained again. Coming decisions will be influenced by these remaining bits of raw emotion.

Nothing can lessen this destructive explosion. Nothing can stop it from happening. Nothing can be done. Pain will be experienced. Grief, sorrow, hopelessness and a sense of profound loss will live within you forevermore. All normal. All understandable. Raised to be strong, we will endure this loss. For if we can not then their lives will have been in vain. Knowing and feeling their love is eternal, never changing, never ending is our key to over coming this pain, grief and sorrow. Yet, in what will seem an eternity, all what we really want, continually long for, are conversations never to have.

Doug Thornhill (dct)